I Will Deflate Your Ass

These series of events took place at the end of a normal night. I was playing Trip Hop and Hip Hop Instrumentals all night, and had just played the last song of the evening. Its about 1:30am and I'm hanging out at the bar with 3 Regulars, and the bartender. There are about 6 other people in the bar spread out talking amongst themselves. Its a cold Winter night with the rain coming and going, and I'm waiting to get my money so I can go home. I hear someone outside yelling into the Bar, "Aye DJay, Lemme Halla Aaatchuh". I look over at the guy with Corn Rows and a red T-Shirt so baggy it looked like a mini-Skirt, and say "Come inside if you wanna talk, Its Cold Outside." He Repeats this 2 more times waving his arms violently towards himself, signaling that he is gettin impatient with my response, and he really wants me to come outside. I began to get suspicious cause there was no logical reason for me to be standing in the cold with some idiot. I eventually ignore him, which results in him coming inside. He whispers in My ear "Lemme Halluh Aaatchuh Owe-sigh." (Sorry, Its hard for me to write ghetto. Square Translation: "I would care to exchange words with you Outside") I say "Dude just tell me what you want already." He replies with, "Aye Play Dat Musiq Soulchild song Love."

First of all, I don't take requests. Second, the music is already done for the night. Third, I didn't play any R&B the whole night. Fourth, The Bartender already announced Last Call. Fifth, this cat is an annoying piece of Rhinoceros Shit!

He tosses a pile of 1 dollar bills at me like he's dealing cards at a poker game, and Says in a more stern tone, "Play Dat Musiq Soulchild". I tell him that I'm sorry, But I'm done for the night. The bartender steps in and says, "Hey Man I was feeling what the DJ was playing tonight, we hire him to do his thang, besides, I already Did last call". Thats when things started to get real ugly. The Wanksta, replies with "Oh So You Da Motha Fukkin Boss Now Huh? What you Gon do Huh?"

My boy was drinkin on the other end of the bar and walks up to the scenario. Now this cat is Huge, like 6'6", and plays ball like its goin outta style. You really don't wanna be on this cats bad side. He towers over this little punk bitch, casting a shadow over him like an eclipse. My boy is peaceful, at least he tries to keep the peace I should say. He says to the dude "Hey man, its the end of the night, we're all just kickin it, bout to go home. No one's tryin to start any shit". But this angry guy was the definition of HARD HEADED. He looks up at my boy and says "What Nigga? I will deflate your ass!" I swear to god I almost fell over laughing. That just sounded too damn funny to me. I just pictured Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd chasing each other around, and when Elmer Fudd looks in a tree, Bugs Bunny Pulls out a giant safety pin and Pops his Ass like a Balloon. I say to the guy, "Yo man, you're a little outnumbered here. Me, The Bartender, My Boy, two regulars, and the rest of the bar that aren't gonna let their DJ and Bartender get whooped." He comes up to Me saying, "What White Boy" over and over. That word is like a trigger to me. Remember in Back to the Future when Michael J Fox goes Ape Shit, When He's Called Yellow? That's how I get. I went to a Mostly black High school, and was literally, let me Repeat That...LITERALLY, the only white guy in the entire school. There were 2 White girls, but they tried to act Mexican to fit in. So whenever I got picked on, it was always based on Racism. If you think White people are never discriminated against, try growing up in Deep East Oakland.

I tried and tried to keep my cool, seeing that I could lose this DJ gig if I attacked this Retard. But he got in my face and hit me with this weak ass punch. I think he was gonna slap me, but changed his mind halfway through, so it ended up being a tap on the chin with his fist. With no hesitation I cracked him in his Jaw, Full force. Before he even hit the ground, he was getting stomped by the 3 of us. He ducked down, so all I could do was sock him on the top of his head repeatedly. My boy started kicking him with his big ass boots, and I think he accidentally kicked the bartender a few times. I was side swiped by the ugly ass girl he was with. She grabbed a fist full of my hair and ripped it out of my skull. You know the sound Velcro makes? I heard that sound in my head when she ripped my hair out. So instead of fighting a girl, I just snatched the glasses off her face, smashed them, and threw em.

The guy got pushed outside and was making all sorts of Gun Threats, but his chick was still inside trying to fight me. As much as I wanted to slap her like Rick James did Charlie Murphy, I knew I couldn't hit the Skank. So I decided to just scare the crap out of her. I picked up a lamp and started yelling at her like a Crack Head. Saying "You wanna Fight Me Like A Man? I'll Beat Your ass Like A man!" She started to back up, and I put the lamp down. But Then She ran up and picked up the lamp, so I grabbed a Bar stool and faked a swing at her. She finally retreated. About 5 minutes after we locked the door, she starts banging on the door and yelling through the mail slot, "I need my Glasses! I can't drive home without them!" We were all inside thinking, "Yeah Right, you aint gettin Shit Bitch". We called the cops, and I guess the guy ran off cause he was on Parole. Fuckin Idiot! The cops came in with the girl and they found the destroyed glasses and left. The cops didn't even take down a report, even though the guy was making gun threats. After the Fire cooled down, I found a giant chunk of my hair on the ground, the size of a baseball. One of the Bar Backs had come in earlier, and got Drunk as hell. He was passed out on a couch in the back, while all of this went down. When he woke up, he said "What!? I missed all that!? I would have destroyed that little bastard!"


The chump came back 4 days later and was acting like nothing had happened. He just casually walked in and started hanging out, while I was spinning, and the Bartender was serving. We had security get him out, and after we told them why, they were saying "Damn I wish we were there so we could have stomped his ass out too". Some people will never learn until they are Six Feet Under. Is one song really worth doing jail time over, or getting sent to the Hospital? Besides That, How Hardcore are you really, if you are requesting a love ballad from the DJ?