Its a very lonely night for one Birthday Boy.
This was a slow Sunday night at the Local Lounge, and I was spinning some Semi-Commercial Old School tunes, like Confunkshun, Bar Kays, Midnight Star (etc). This Older Gentleman in his late 30's-Early 40's comes in and sits down on the couch, alongside the DJ Booth. Eventually he approaches me and Says its his birthday. Usually this is the Universal lie people say to get a DJ to play a song for them. Instead, this guy says I need a drinking buddy. Now I'm not really a big Drinker and I rarely Drink when I Spin. I also hate tequila. But for some odd reason, I decided to ignore those 3 rules. I figured, its slow as hell in the bar, so I might as well get drunk to speed up the night. BAD IDEA!
This cat was not a regular, but I had seen him before, and chatted briefly. He seemed Harmless, plus he was buying the drinks, and bringing them to me while I Spun. He was a very soft spoken gay guy, that was a bit over weight. I mean he was really, really soft spoken. I've heard Flies Fuck louder than this guy speak. He brings me Shot # 1, we cheers, I say Happy Birthday, then Down The Hatch. I'm Sure the Bartender was scratching his head in confusion, but nevertheless, he must have known something entertaining would come from this dude. He started pouring heavy shots for the 2 of us to try and get us destroyed. The 2nd Patron Shot Slides down my Esophagus and his. The big guy starts getting a little loose. He starts sparking conversation and complimenting me. I hate it when people talk too much while I'm spinning. A very brief exchange of words is OK, but i get pissed when it lasts through a whole song or two. This is when I realized I may have made a bad decision.
Shot # 3 is Drained after I say "This is my last one bro". I may as well have been talking to the wall, cause he sure as hell ignored my statement. He brings up Shot # 4 and starts taunting me like a college Frat boy at a keg party, when i Refuse. Since I had Already started drinking, I wanted to continue, but not with this guy. He begs and begs, and eventually I cave in to the peer pressure. Before I even started sucking the lime, he had already started going for another round. I'm getting Fucked up at this point, and my mixing was horrible. As he's handing me a 5th shot, He starts saying how cool I am to be drinking with a gay guy, and how I don't judge. He says "You are so fine, but I respect you, and I would never cross that Line". He goes on and on about how he finds me so attractive, but he emphasizes the fact that he respects me enough to never make any advances. Shot 6 is on its way and we are both getting bent.
At this point in the night, he is no longer the silent guy in the corner. He is up at the DJ booth screaming things in my ear like "Yeah, Play that Shit!", "WOOOOOOOO" "Go DJ, Go DJ", and a bunch of cheesy Cliches that you would say if you were at a hip hop show in 1983. By now I'm getting wasted and he is obviously hammered. After shot #7, he starts getting really really into the music and is pounding on the DJ booth with his hands, to the beat of the music. He is really loud and annoying at this point. Howling and banging. He starts belting out a repetitive count to the Beat... Five-Six -Seven-Eight! Five-Six -Seven-Eight! Five-Six -Seven-Eight! over and over like he was in a damn marching band. He is screaming this and slapping his hand on the DJ booth. It goes on for about 6 minutes. My CD wallet is on a chair next to me, so I turn away from him to bend over and find the next song to play. As I'm combing through my music, I Feel him behind me. Before I could turn around, this guy gives me a huge bear hug while i am in a position of submission. Homey Don't Play Dat!
I shot up like I stuck a fork in an electrical outlet and got zapped. I began to scold him like a toddler. And basically put his ass on Time Out. He got the point and mellowed out. But by now, the whole bar was watching as was laughing their asses off. I mean come on man... If you are telling me all night that you have a crush on me, then you spoon me as I'm bent over, that's grounds for an ass whoopin. Even if he was straight, and had just put his arm on my shoulder, that still would have been grounds for a beat down. I don't want any S.O.B. putting their hands on me unless I know them. Back Up Fool! The night winds down and the bartender kicks everyone out, and Drunk guy asks if I wanna come over to his House. Obviously the answer was "Hell Naw!"
He waits outside of the locked bar for a bit, waiting for me to come out, but I stayed for a while to sober up, and to talk mad shit about the guy to the bartender. Then about 2 weeks later, the guy calls me. I guess I had given him my business card a while back, before I found out he was insane. He says to me, "I'm starting a massage therapy business, and i need to make brochures." "Can you pose nude for me with a towel on while I massage you for a Photo Shoot" "The pictures will be used for my Brochures". I turned him down, and he ends up showing up at the bar again. I was talking to a girl and telling her the story about the guy, while he was sitting next to the DJ booth. I made sure I was talking loud enough for him to hear. He got up and left, never to be seen again
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