From a Bartender's Perspective

Man I have to let all the good people know what I have to deal with every night at work.  I guess some people just don't know how to act when they go out.  Its either they don't know better or just plain are ignorant.  I have to tell you though sometimes these incidences can be too funny to get angry about.  I mean I wonder to myself, where the hell do they get this stuff from.  I've compiled some things that I hear from customers and I'll let you guys know what bartenders are probably thinking....If you are one of these people, I hope that you will take in consideration what the bartender might be thinking and maybe what altercations you will be facing ahead of you or how weak your drink might be...

"Let me get a strong island...."

 Bartender:  This person is too cheap and such an idiot because everyone knows that a long island has damn near every alcohol in it.  Your gonna get a lot more triple sec (cheap orange flavored liqueur)  and sweet and sour.

"Not too much ice...."

Bartender: Like I said earlier hella cheap.  Ice is an important part of the drink.  You pay for a standard shot in the drink, me giving you less ice means more juice.  You pay per shot, you telling me less ice doesn't mean I will give you more alcohol.

"Let me get that in a tall glass..."

Bartender:  You think I'm gonna give you more alcohol because you asked for a tall glass....no!  Like I said you pay per shot.  If you want more alcohol pay for a double.  

"I can't taste the alcohol..."

Bartender: Its probably cause you didn't tip for shit earlier, you asked for less ice, you asked for a tall glass or finally, you are a damn alcoholic!

"Hey, hey, hey!"

Bartender: First and foremost, I the bartender can see you and will get to you when I can.  Yelling at me won't make me go faster but probably ignore you.  You probably won't even know what you want when I get to you anyway!

"Why did you skip me...."

Bartender:  After yelling at me and flagging me down to ask you what you want, you said, "uuhh, uhhh," you should have had your order ready.  Time is money and waiting on you to make up your mind is loosing me money!

Here are just a few and trust me I have more but until next time.  If you fall into one of these scenarios then please reread and take into consideration before going into the bar.  Thanks

I Will Deflate Your Ass

These series of events took place at the end of a normal night. I was playing Trip Hop and Hip Hop Instrumentals all night, and had just played the last song of the evening. Its about 1:30am and I'm hanging out at the bar with 3 Regulars, and the bartender. There are about 6 other people in the bar spread out talking amongst themselves. Its a cold Winter night with the rain coming and going, and I'm waiting to get my money so I can go home. I hear someone outside yelling into the Bar, "Aye DJay, Lemme Halla Aaatchuh". I look over at the guy with Corn Rows and a red T-Shirt so baggy it looked like a mini-Skirt, and say "Come inside if you wanna talk, Its Cold Outside." He Repeats this 2 more times waving his arms violently towards himself, signaling that he is gettin impatient with my response, and he really wants me to come outside. I began to get suspicious cause there was no logical reason for me to be standing in the cold with some idiot. I eventually ignore him, which results in him coming inside. He whispers in My ear "Lemme Halluh Aaatchuh Owe-sigh." (Sorry, Its hard for me to write ghetto. Square Translation: "I would care to exchange words with you Outside") I say "Dude just tell me what you want already." He replies with, "Aye Play Dat Musiq Soulchild song Love."

First of all, I don't take requests. Second, the music is already done for the night. Third, I didn't play any R&B the whole night. Fourth, The Bartender already announced Last Call. Fifth, this cat is an annoying piece of Rhinoceros Shit!

He tosses a pile of 1 dollar bills at me like he's dealing cards at a poker game, and Says in a more stern tone, "Play Dat Musiq Soulchild". I tell him that I'm sorry, But I'm done for the night. The bartender steps in and says, "Hey Man I was feeling what the DJ was playing tonight, we hire him to do his thang, besides, I already Did last call". Thats when things started to get real ugly. The Wanksta, replies with "Oh So You Da Motha Fukkin Boss Now Huh? What you Gon do Huh?"

My boy was drinkin on the other end of the bar and walks up to the scenario. Now this cat is Huge, like 6'6", and plays ball like its goin outta style. You really don't wanna be on this cats bad side. He towers over this little punk bitch, casting a shadow over him like an eclipse. My boy is peaceful, at least he tries to keep the peace I should say. He says to the dude "Hey man, its the end of the night, we're all just kickin it, bout to go home. No one's tryin to start any shit". But this angry guy was the definition of HARD HEADED. He looks up at my boy and says "What Nigga? I will deflate your ass!" I swear to god I almost fell over laughing. That just sounded too damn funny to me. I just pictured Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd chasing each other around, and when Elmer Fudd looks in a tree, Bugs Bunny Pulls out a giant safety pin and Pops his Ass like a Balloon. I say to the guy, "Yo man, you're a little outnumbered here. Me, The Bartender, My Boy, two regulars, and the rest of the bar that aren't gonna let their DJ and Bartender get whooped." He comes up to Me saying, "What White Boy" over and over. That word is like a trigger to me. Remember in Back to the Future when Michael J Fox goes Ape Shit, When He's Called Yellow? That's how I get. I went to a Mostly black High school, and was literally, let me Repeat That...LITERALLY, the only white guy in the entire school. There were 2 White girls, but they tried to act Mexican to fit in. So whenever I got picked on, it was always based on Racism. If you think White people are never discriminated against, try growing up in Deep East Oakland.

I tried and tried to keep my cool, seeing that I could lose this DJ gig if I attacked this Retard. But he got in my face and hit me with this weak ass punch. I think he was gonna slap me, but changed his mind halfway through, so it ended up being a tap on the chin with his fist. With no hesitation I cracked him in his Jaw, Full force. Before he even hit the ground, he was getting stomped by the 3 of us. He ducked down, so all I could do was sock him on the top of his head repeatedly. My boy started kicking him with his big ass boots, and I think he accidentally kicked the bartender a few times. I was side swiped by the ugly ass girl he was with. She grabbed a fist full of my hair and ripped it out of my skull. You know the sound Velcro makes? I heard that sound in my head when she ripped my hair out. So instead of fighting a girl, I just snatched the glasses off her face, smashed them, and threw em.

The guy got pushed outside and was making all sorts of Gun Threats, but his chick was still inside trying to fight me. As much as I wanted to slap her like Rick James did Charlie Murphy, I knew I couldn't hit the Skank. So I decided to just scare the crap out of her. I picked up a lamp and started yelling at her like a Crack Head. Saying "You wanna Fight Me Like A Man? I'll Beat Your ass Like A man!" She started to back up, and I put the lamp down. But Then She ran up and picked up the lamp, so I grabbed a Bar stool and faked a swing at her. She finally retreated. About 5 minutes after we locked the door, she starts banging on the door and yelling through the mail slot, "I need my Glasses! I can't drive home without them!" We were all inside thinking, "Yeah Right, you aint gettin Shit Bitch". We called the cops, and I guess the guy ran off cause he was on Parole. Fuckin Idiot! The cops came in with the girl and they found the destroyed glasses and left. The cops didn't even take down a report, even though the guy was making gun threats. After the Fire cooled down, I found a giant chunk of my hair on the ground, the size of a baseball. One of the Bar Backs had come in earlier, and got Drunk as hell. He was passed out on a couch in the back, while all of this went down. When he woke up, he said "What!? I missed all that!? I would have destroyed that little bastard!"


The chump came back 4 days later and was acting like nothing had happened. He just casually walked in and started hanging out, while I was spinning, and the Bartender was serving. We had security get him out, and after we told them why, they were saying "Damn I wish we were there so we could have stomped his ass out too". Some people will never learn until they are Six Feet Under. Is one song really worth doing jail time over, or getting sent to the Hospital? Besides That, How Hardcore are you really, if you are requesting a love ballad from the DJ?

5, 6, 7, 8! - 5, 6, 7, 8!

Its a very lonely night for one Birthday Boy.

This was a slow Sunday night at the Local Lounge, and I was spinning some Semi-Commercial Old School tunes, like Confunkshun, Bar Kays, Midnight Star (etc). This Older Gentleman in his late 30's-Early 40's comes in and sits down on the couch, alongside the DJ Booth. Eventually he approaches me and Says its his birthday. Usually this is the Universal lie people say to get a DJ to play a song for them. Instead, this guy says I need a drinking buddy. Now I'm not really a big Drinker and I rarely Drink when I Spin. I also hate tequila. But for some odd reason, I decided to ignore those 3 rules. I figured, its slow as hell in the bar, so I might as well get drunk to speed up the night. BAD IDEA!

This cat was not a regular, but I had seen him before, and chatted briefly. He seemed Harmless, plus he was buying the drinks, and bringing them to me while I Spun. He was a very soft spoken gay guy, that was a bit over weight. I mean he was really, really soft spoken. I've heard Flies Fuck louder than this guy speak. He brings me Shot # 1, we cheers, I say Happy Birthday, then Down The Hatch. I'm Sure the Bartender was scratching his head in confusion, but nevertheless, he must have known something entertaining would come from this dude. He started pouring heavy shots for the 2 of us to try and get us destroyed. The 2nd Patron Shot Slides down my Esophagus and his. The big guy starts getting a little loose. He starts sparking conversation and complimenting me. I hate it when people talk too much while I'm spinning. A very brief exchange of words is OK, but i get pissed when it lasts through a whole song or two. This is when I realized I may have made a bad decision.

Shot # 3 is Drained after I say "This is my last one bro". I may as well have been talking to the wall, cause he sure as hell ignored my statement. He brings up Shot # 4 and starts taunting me like a college Frat boy at a keg party, when i Refuse. Since I had Already started drinking, I wanted to continue, but not with this guy. He begs and begs, and eventually I cave in to the peer pressure. Before I even started sucking the lime, he had already started going for another round. I'm getting Fucked up at this point, and my mixing was horrible. As he's handing me a 5th shot, He starts saying how cool I am to be drinking with a gay guy, and how I don't judge. He says "You are so fine, but I respect you, and I would never cross that Line". He goes on and on about how he finds me so attractive, but he emphasizes the fact that he respects me enough to never make any advances. Shot 6 is on its way and we are both getting bent.

At this point in the night, he is no longer the silent guy in the corner. He is up at the DJ booth screaming things in my ear like "Yeah, Play that Shit!", "WOOOOOOOO" "Go DJ, Go DJ", and a bunch of cheesy Cliches that you would say if you were at a hip hop show in 1983. By now I'm getting wasted and he is obviously hammered. After shot #7, he starts getting really really into the music and is pounding on the DJ booth with his hands, to the beat of the music. He is really loud and annoying at this point. Howling and banging. He starts belting out a repetitive count to the Beat... Five-Six -Seven-Eight! Five-Six -Seven-Eight! Five-Six -Seven-Eight! over and over like he was in a damn marching band. He is screaming this and slapping his hand on the DJ booth. It goes on for about 6 minutes. My CD wallet is on a chair next to me, so I turn away from him to bend over and find the next song to play. As I'm combing through my music, I Feel him behind me. Before I could turn around, this guy gives me a huge bear hug while i am in a position of submission. Homey Don't Play Dat!

I shot up like I stuck a fork in an electrical outlet and got zapped. I began to scold him like a toddler. And basically put his ass on Time Out. He got the point and mellowed out. But by now, the whole bar was watching as was laughing their asses off. I mean come on man... If you are telling me all night that you have a crush on me, then you spoon me as I'm bent over, that's grounds for an ass whoopin. Even if he was straight, and had just put his arm on my shoulder, that still would have been grounds for a beat down. I don't want any S.O.B. putting their hands on me unless I know them. Back Up Fool! The night winds down and the bartender kicks everyone out, and Drunk guy asks if I wanna come over to his House. Obviously the answer was "Hell Naw!"

He waits outside of the locked bar for a bit, waiting for me to come out, but I stayed for a while to sober up, and to talk mad shit about the guy to the bartender. Then about 2 weeks later, the guy calls me. I guess I had given him my business card a while back, before I found out he was insane. He says to me, "I'm starting a massage therapy business, and i need to make brochures." "Can you pose nude for me with a towel on while I massage you for a Photo Shoot" "The pictures will be used for my Brochures". I turned him down, and he ends up showing up at the bar again. I was talking to a girl and telling her the story about the guy, while he was sitting next to the DJ booth. I made sure I was talking loud enough for him to hear. He got up and left, never to be seen again

Sean the Conqueror

This blog is dedicated to my girls probably getting way to faded in Las Vegas as I write this.  So we start this episode with on a Tuesday night, normal night like any other weekday night.  my regulars came in insisting that "being responsible" tonight was because they had to work the nest day.  This was a couple of days after California had a time change of because of daylight savings.  Maxwell, Sydney and Charlie all sat in front of my well and first started off with washington apple shots (3/4 oz crown royal, 3/4 apple pucker and cranberry juice).  Everything was cool and we had a conversation about them going to Las Vegas.

These girls are so much fun and so animated.  As a bartender you love when regulars like these come into your bar.  It makes work enjoyable and the time passes when it's slow.  They keep me entertained!  Especially when they are drunk.  Its comedy.  So this guy comes in the bar and orders a Sierra Nevada.  I serve him and he just stands at the bar.  My regulars are looking at some video they had just taken with their new video recorder and this gut who just ordered his beer asks them if he can see it too.  This guy was really invading their personal space, I mean his whole body was literally on Maxwell.  It was Maxwell, Sydney and then Charlie.  Sydney was looking at the video and she was in the middle, so this dude was trying to see it and completely was almost laying on Maxwell.  I get this "is this guy serious" look from Maxwell with a smirk like "this guy is crazy."  I have to say it was pretty funny.

Guy had no game talking about my name is Construction Sean.  Charlie misheard him and said, "Conqueror Sean?!"  I started to laugh as well as everyone else.  I mean this dude was cracking me up.  The things that he was saying to these girls were hilarious.  He didn't even make sense, he seemed like he was on one.  The girls were being good sports and just went with it.  From behind the bar it was like a sitcom of America's funniest bar videos!  The topper of the whole event was when he was leaving.  

He said his goodbyes to both Maxwell and Sydney but when he got to Charlie he took it a step further and tried to give a kiss on the cheek.  She was like president Bush ducking from the shoe being thrown at him.  He got dissed hard and I turned and almost fell into my well.  Charlie was like, "whoaa! uh ugh!"  Comedy I tell, almost like, you had to have been there to see this all unfolding.  They should get their own show, I would definitely watch it.

Jackass

I really don't understand people sometimes! Would it really hurt you to have some class once in a while? I'm going off again on a rant about some A-Hole that was either born Feet First in the Back Alley of a pool hall, or just refused to accept that he needs to Co-Exist with other human beings in a civilized manner. As a DJ you deal with many factors that either hinder or nurture your successful night. This particular night I was beyond offended by This overgrown Oaf that will probably end up reading this, and try to fight me. This blog post is bashing ignorance and it probably contradicts my earlier post that finds humor in stupidity. The fact is, this event happened a couple of years ago when i was Fuming like a cartoon Tea Kettle. Now, I've given up on having any hope for the Streets. I'm just trying to laugh about it these days.

Let me start by saying that I was raised in the hood, 98th ave and D st in Deep East Oakland. I went to a 65% Black 30% Latin and 5% other, type of High School (Castlemont). I was the Other percent, so I'm no stranger to Harassment. Hell, if you google the school, I'm sure one of the top listings will be a news report. With this being said, I grew up listening to Rap. It was all that surrounded me, it was what I loved and spent most of my time associating my life with. I wrote lyrics, made mix tapes and really thought Id be a rapper someday because Hip hop Ruled My World. But being the all around music junkie that I am, I graduated into a much wider appreciation for music and started DJing. This eclectic taste was beneficial to this one gig I had in Oakland, where the owner forbids any form of Hip Hop. So I was playing some Trip Hop and Electro Jazz, maybe a little Rare Funk. Keeping it pretty mellow cause it was a slower night.

Needless to say, some cats are quick to judge me, or try to punk me cause I Look White...

At Some point in the night, This monster walks up to the DJ booth. I expected a request, which is usual in this venue, but I did not expect him to make me wanna Bruce Leroy his ass. It was so long ago that I can't remember most of his exact words, so these aren't quotes, but a general Idea. "Aye Yo! Play Some Slapps! What the Fuck Is This Shit" "Play some Fuckin Rap". Yelling this at me, in my face and across the bar where everyone could hear his banter. So i tell him the usual line, "This is what the owner wants me to play". Besides, the place is a lounge. No woman wants to go into a classy lounge where the drinks are pricey, and have some sweaty thugg, grabbin all on them to Keak Da Sneak. No beef with Keak, but his place is in the clubs, not here. Little does he know, I fuckin grew up listening to hip hop, but this judgemental bastard is on some sort of Hate mission for God knows what reason. He starts Booing me at the top of his lungs, in My face, in My sensitive Right Ear. I think he even touched my right turntable trying to stop the music, but the left side was playing so It made no difference.

Now, the thing he said that I do remember word for word, and to this day it haunts me like a mentally challenged Zombie that just won't die... He said (verbatim), "Yo Shit Aint Even Got No Words". WOW! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I don't know whether I was more pissed that he was disrespecting me, disrespecting all the artists that create music with no vocals or whether i was just pissed that someone that stupid existed in the same world that I live in. I thought that Miles Davis was Gonna come out of his grave to impale this guy with his trumpet, while John Coltrane and Thelonious Monk waited for their turn. This place was a social lounge where the music is more of a background, so people can converse and mellow out. There isn't even a dance floor, so what difference does it make if my shit Aint even got no words? No one would even pay attention to the vocals. This guy just disrespected Jazz, Funk, Classical Music and most Electronic. I will never forget those words until the day I'm pushing up daisies in the cold ground. Yo Shit Aint Even Got No Words, was gonna be the title for my next mix, but I wanted to try and forget the ignorance and block it outta my mind.

He continues to scream all kinds of childish phrases Like "Fuck this DJ", "This DJ Is weak", "Everyone Boo this Foo", "BOOOOOOOOOO, This Music Sucks!" (etc). He walks from the end of the lounge to the front, screaming this to all the guests. I think he even threatened to fight me, which is usually the case when ignorance is involved. Especially cause this is a Big ass Caveman Mofo, he probably tries to get his way by inducing fear upon smaller cats. I'm 6'2", so you know this was a large dude. The icing on the cake was when he started screaming BOOOOOO at the top of his lungs, like he was praising the Lord in Church, as he combed his way through the crowd. All because I wasn't playing Soulja Boy, or something equally awful.

I was so Damn mad! If you don't like the music in one place, you don't go up to the DJ acting an Ass. You go to another spot that fits your music needs. What If I had just learned to spin and was still learning, or nervous or something. This was not the case, but out of respect, even if a DJ is Trainwrecking, you should cut them some slack, cause they could be Rookies. Especially since there was no cover charge at the door, and it was a very small place. Why the fuck do you care what I'm spinning, you should be talking to some girls like everyone else. I found out at the end of the night that this guy was in his 30's and was the homie of the bartender. Why would you blow up your friend's job like that, especially when you are a grown ass man? He got 86'ed, and he at least has had the respect to not return, at least not when I'm spinning. So that shows he may have some remorse, or respect. I've seen the cat at a few of the functions that the bartender has thrown, but I've ignored him. Until last time, when he accidentally introduced himself to me, forgetting who I was, I Suppose. I never gave him my name I just said "Yeah You're the guy who Booed Me". His response was "Yeah we were drunk that night". I was Thinking "No Shit!" Maybe it was his way of apologizing, or maybe it was his way of saying "Fuck You, I Know I Booed You". Either way, he never officially apologized, so its up for interpretation. The bartender is a cool cat, so I can't picture him being friends with a Punk, so maybe its all good. But in any case, if you think a DJ is Wack, either prove you can do better, find another spot, or just let it be. There is no logic to ruining everyone's time.

If my next blog is about how I got my ass kicked, it will probably just be a continuation on this story. Haha, Peace.

The Blackout

Well seeing that this is my first official post as a guest author, and its 3:00 in the morning, I'll keep it brief. I'm DJ Imani and the most recent event that brought out some major concern was the Blackout that happened on a Monday night in the Hood! It was dead as hell in the bar, but seeing that Oakland is usually about 52 cards short of a full deck, the Blackout could have been a sight to see, or not see, Rather. If you don't know Oakland, it consists of Amazing Talent holding hands, and skipping along happily, with Stupidity. Hell, its major claim to fame was Hyphy aka Going Dumb. Remember Oscar Grant, A cat from Hayward that gets killed, and Oakland erupts on 3 separate occasions, in a firestorm of vandalism to innocent civilians property. Explain that? Anyhow it was about 1:30 in the morn, the bar was bout to close up, then the whole block goes black. If this was a Friday or Sat Night, people woulda been Fuckin right at the bar. Come December, there would have been a bunch of unwanted children born for real.

With the economy down, and crime up, you know that some drunk ass folks, including women in heels, would have snatched what they could. Every bottle of Hennessey, Patron, Tanqueray, 1800, Courvosier, 151 and Seagrams would disappear like a genie snapped his fingers. I know I misspelled some of those names, but Im from the hood too, so yeah i misspelled, and you better believe your ass, that huge bulge in my pants would have been a bottle of Rum Fa Shizzle!

My DJ gear woulda disappeared and ended up for sale at the Coliseum Swap meet when they re-open the next Tuesday, Closed Mondays. We get excited out here in the Town, you cant let a blackout happen. The most minor event can spark a full blown side show with cats goin Dummy out the sunroof, runnin red lights and breaking windows. With all the credit card machines down, every single person would dip out without paying the tab, and arrive at home with new furniture, bar stools, wine glasses and maybe a cash register. As crazy as it sounds, it would have been hella funny to watch, there would have been fights and all kinds of faded behavior, just because it got dark, Haha. The owner needs to get his cheap ass an emergency generator like Radio Stations and TV Stations have in case of a disaster. If you are from a normal boring city like Fremont or Castro Valley, you may not understand why something so tiny like a minor blackout would cause mayhem. Well my friend, you are a square and you can continue to live your wasted existence wondering why we are all nuts. You still continue to sing our songs representing Oakland, and trying to be hyphy like you took lessons an shit, knowing damn well you are afraid to live life crazy for real. Sometimes life is more fun when it doesn't make any damn sense, as retarded as it sounds, I wish it was a busy night when all the lights went out. The entertainment would have made this Blog at least 10 pages longer. As long as no one gets shot, its usually pretty funny to me.

The only thing that really happened was some one yelled "Lets all start Fuckin", yeah that one was me. But then I realized there was only 2 girls and 4 guys so I took it back. Everyone paid cash and left peacefully. Damn!!